The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
