She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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