shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
