ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
