I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
