im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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