gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
