They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
