my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
