You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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