Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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