Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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