OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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