Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize