My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I have aggressive nipples.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
