Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
