i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Randomize
