Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
