Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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