we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
