Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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