I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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