matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
