My sheets look like a crime scene.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
