I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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