If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
NoShamevember. You game?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
