I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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