so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
