Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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