I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
