sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Randomize
