"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
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