Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
