2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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