Your face is a jimmy john
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
