I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
If I die, sorry about rent.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
