Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
