dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
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