You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
