he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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