whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I think my moral compass just broke
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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