i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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