I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Randomize
