oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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