i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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