I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
