all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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