I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
