I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
