I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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